UFC 83: IRRADIATION

“Frank Mir’s face won’t betray his true feelings” writes UFC’s Thomas Gerbasi. That’s RIGHT, not a chance his face is going to betray a DAMN thing. By the way, who the hell is Frank Mir?

THE ICE MAN IS BACK! After a much needed win against the Axe Murderer, Wanderlei Silva, The Iceman now faces what many say is his toughest fight ever. Liddell versus Jim Raynor’s kid sister, Nancy Raynor (no relation to Nancy Kerrigan, the figure skater who was brutally attacked by a hitman hired by Tonya Harding).

(Picture above: Nancy on the left, Chuck Liddell, The Iceman, on the right). Some say Nancy and Jim resemble each other. Nancy doesn’t mind this comparison, whereas Jim drinks himself near death every night to cope with the pain. To be honest, I don’t see the resemblance.

Also fighting at UFC 83: CONSTIPATION is Mirko Cro Cop, the man with the deadliest left kick this side of Auir (when is Blizzard going to take one of our calls about this?). Cro Cop takes on a Colossus.

Cro cop is heavily favored to win this match, despite being lighter than the Colossus by 2 metric tons. The problem, as the eXpeRtZ see it, is the Colossus simply has no effective means by which to protect its right ear. Colossus fans argue that the Colossus has no “ear” per se, but still, they admit that the Cro Cop left kick will probably end the fight within the first couple minutes.

Last but certainly not least, the lightweight division, featuring a Terran Battlecruiser against popular actress Rosie Perez, famous for her roles in White Men Can’t Jump and her instructional videos on English elocution.

Don’t let the size of the pictures fool you. Rosie is favored 2:1 in this one. In part because the Cruiser is piloted by Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, but mostly because of the way she beat Woody Harrelson’s ass on and off the big screen.

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Blizzard sued by God of Thunder, et al.

After several weeks of civil protest by the God of Thunder over Blizzard’s blatant intellectual property theft, Thor has made his complaint official. Law offices of Slaughter & Slaughter – known for their violent slogan, “we will slaughter someone” served Blizzard this morning with a hefty lawsuit. Thor claims the new Terran StarCraft 2 unit, is an obvious disregard for the patent he filed over “all things Thor” in 1992.

That’s just the beginning of this long-winded lawsuit. John Rhys-Davies, who played Gimli in Lord of the Rings, claims that the Warcraft 3 Mountain King was copied directly off this photograph of himself. Looking at the two pictures side by side, it becomes clear that there’s absolutely nothing to be said in Blizzard’s defense, and that they will end up paying this dwarf about $2,000,000 in psychological damages.

When asked for comment, John Rhys-Davies, completely out of costume, shouts “AND MY AXE.” We walked away slowly at first, but picked up great speed within a few seconds.

Here’s just a brief sampling of the other litigants with their names listed on the suit against Blizzard. Whoopie Goldberg (for her role in the movie Ghost), Lindsay Lohan, John Kerry, Sally Jessy Rafael, Tassadar, and Brian Griffin.

Each of the aforementioned people, aside from Whoopie, claim that the Collosus is modeled after one of their body parts. Blizzard has clearly overstepped their bounds here, and it looks as if they will finally pay for it.

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Hydras broke, out of work

A recent Gallup poll indicates that Hydralisk unemployment is at an all time high. This is purportedly due to their lack of motivation as well as their god-awful hygiene and tendency
to spit on people.

Barbara Sanders, a 35 year-old divorced soccer mom with a taste for mammal blood, states, “I think it’s just rude when you’re trying to order a BK Whopper at the drive-thru, and some asshole is screaming nonsense through the intercom. It’s like, SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO MY ORDER…TAKE TWO OF THE NUGGETS AND SHOVE THEM UP YOUR ASS. What’s worse, is when you get to the window, the guy spits acid in your face. I had this happen to me twice last week. The first time I was alright with it because I really wanted the calories that the BK Whopper delivers time and again, but the second time? I’m sorry, I’m going to Taco Bell. All I wanted was a Whopper.”

Will this drop in jobs cause an economic disturbance among the Zerg? We here at MYLIFEFORAUIR.com believe so. Get your damn act together, brood.

*UPDATE* Barbara Sanders dies at age 35. Preliminary reports indicate that the culprit was a poisoned Bel Grande Chalupa from Taco Bell. Should have listened to this genius.

If you see this dog, run:

Entirely unrelated, but critically important, if you see this man, run. He is starving. He will eat you.

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SPECIAL REPORT: Inside of a CRUCIO Siege Tank

Pure chaos: we’re in deep behind enemy lines for the chance to get PHYSICALLY INSIDE a Crucio Siege Tank. That’s right, I’m typing to you right now from inside the only Terran unit that has proved not to be total crap for the past ten years: the Siege Tank. We’ve got the exclusive inside look with a disgruntled Terran Tank Officer: Dozer.

MYLIFEFORAUIR.com: Now, Dozer, first things first. Didn’t Cypher kill you? Come on, what the @*#$?

[Crucio Officer] Dozer: Alright, heh, yea I can see where the confusion comes from. Heh, ok, here’s how it went down. I met up with that Elvish guy from Lord of the Rings to talk about getting the hell out of the Nebakanezer as soon as possible. That place is a @#$*ing trash pit. Soda cans all over the floor. Nowhere to recycle that shit. Neo vomits all over the deck daily. Who you think cleans it up? Anyway, Elrond offered me a deal: if I faked my death he promised to give me an awesome life inside the Matrix as some sort of a cool military officer. I told him to shove that deal right up his ass, and accepted. I mean, it’s like Morpheus always says, If you can’t tap dat ass, the tough get goin’. You digg?

MYLIFEFORAUIR.com: What the hell just happened? Just tell me about the Crucio for the viewers.

[Crucio Officer] Dozer: Well, where to begin. These babies come fully loaded with a 120mm Shock Cannon, two flat panel wide-screen TV’s on either side of the main cabin, a Blu-Ray disc player, and Wi-Fi. We had a pretty nice army of Crucio’s lined up on the outskirts of the Koprulu sector, about 50-60 of ‘em. I heard that about 2 or 3 injured, malnourished, under trained, renegade, drunken, drugged, unconscious Immortals destroyed every last one of ‘em in about 5, maybe 6 minutes. Real sturdy machines.

MYLIFEFORAUIR.com: Quick question for you to wrap this interview up. Any reason Carl Weathers is standing directly behind you with an 8mm C-14 Impaler Gauss Rifle pointed at the back of your head?

Carl Weathers (shouting): Spoken like a true asshole. Happy, stop bein’ a damn fool. Take a few months off from the tour and we’ll train you up real good.
MYLIFEFORAUIR.com: My name is not Happy.

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Zeratul Wins South Carolina Primary

Up until now it seemed as if the Zeratul For President Campaign was in trouble. After close but disappointing finishes in both the New Hampshire Primary and the Michigan Primary the renegade Dark Templar was only doing 240% better than Fred Thompson, an out of work actor from Law and Order, who had nothing better to do with his time than to try to turn the United States into a Nazi regime. In layman’s terms, this means that our beloved DT, Zeratul, needed a big win in South Carolina to keep his presidential hopes alive.

With 84% of the districts reporting, CNN projects that Zeratul will win both the Democratic and Republican primaries in South Carolina. After a heated debate Monday between Romney and Zeratul on universal health care, things looked a bit dicey for Zeratul:

“We need to stop those d-MeX’s (apparently, a derogatory statement regarding Mexicans) at the border. @#$ing load all the illegal pieces of shit into a truck and ship ‘em off to Portugal. Those #$*@ing South American’s deserve everything they get.”

Zeratul sat confidently and stated, “Look, I know, heh. I @#$%ed up the universe pretty bad. But come on, that can’t compare to what Mr. Tree did in his 8 year slumber in office. You smell me?”

Huckabee sat quietly playing with a toy train given to him by moderator Wolf Blitzer, who oddly enough, really does look like a #%@^ing Wolf Blitzer.

I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.

The results are clear: South Carolina has voted for change in ’08 and we here at the Zeratul For President Campaign urge you to do the same.

Also, in other news, John McCain hires hitman Sly Stallone (famous for Rocky 1-4, Rocky 6-9,and hardcore pornographic films such as Party at Kitty and Stud’s) to kill Chuck Norris. Let’s hope that just like Stallone’s stellar pornographic performance, involvement in this campaign will have all of his penetration completely removed. CNN reports.

In completely unrelated news, Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick refuses to shut his trap.

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The protagonist for SC2 is an old, washed up drunk. Are you @#$%ing serious?

Let me get this straight. The universe is in peril by the impending arrival of some guy’s Ex-Girlfriend, and all we can do is send some drunk jackass in a spacesuit? Jim doesn’t just suck exclamation point, he sucks period. Look, Kerrigan dumped his sorry ass as well as tried to murder him on a few occassions. Man, can you imagine that, I’d probably end up a drunk son-of-a-bitch, too.

And let’s talk about something else. Hey Zeratul, you’ve got technology from literally out of this world, and you ask Jim Raynor for help? He obviously gets his technology from Circuit City. Do you see something wrong with this picture? If you don’t you’re a drunk, too. Or you work at Circuit City.

So shut up.

You would never see the Zerg catch a Protoss guy. I’d like to see them try. The second they try, you better believe they’ll get a knock at their door at around 10 PM, open the door, and find a pizza delivery guy asking them to fork over $134.53 (plus tip ofc), for 20 pizzas. Ya, Owend. Ya, and I know I didn’t spell it right.

Does anyone remember how easily that the Terran get infested? To be honest, I think it’s a little too easy. The Terran go down like a 2-dollar whore. And I mean that. I’m not taking it back. Seriously. Nope. Okay I take back the 2-dollar whore thing, it was rude and uncalled for. But seriously, the Terran take it like jailbait.

In all seriousness, I really hope the best for Jim Raynor in his endeavors. Here’s a toast to you, Jim.

Okay, put the drink down Jim. That’s enough. STOP. Ahhh shit…

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Batch 26: Corrections

Q/A Batch 26 from Blizzard got some stuff incredibly, brutally, and offensively wrong. Want to know the truth?

“In the chaos of the battlefield, Protoss warriors fight with tremendous power and grace, but even so, they can be mortally wounded.”

Half right, half wrong. Of course Protoss warriors fight with tremendous power and grace. Everyone knows that. If you don’t know this already I send a polite messenger to your home and to let you know. He’ll politely shove a 12-pound dumbbell down your throat. Get it? One thing that should be added though, is while Protoss warriors do in fact fight with power and grace, they also fight with a vicious rage that is matched only by a clinically insane Tyrannosaurus Rex. Don’t forget that.

Now for the half wrong part. Protoss units cannot be mortally wounded. Anyone who says they can be is a liar. Yes, a liar. That was a lie. Karune lied. Liar. The truth of the matter is that protoss units may decide, at any point in time, to take a brief vacation to a spring-break getaway, at which point they will vanish with only a blue flash of light left behind. Protoss units do not get hurt. They take vacations. Thanks.

Next.

“the Protoss cannot speak with their dead per se.”

Shut the hell up. Any sentence that begins with “Protoss cannot” is a flat out lie. Protoss can.

“Over time technological advances have enabled the Protoss to mimic these psionic processes to the extent that the Protoss can now construct inorganic devices to tap into the same universal processes to power shields, drives, weapons, and robots.“

Wrong. All Protoss advances are instantaneous. None of this “over time” bullshit.

“Protoss power sources and particularly their shields are vulnerable to disruption by technological means such as EMP weapons.”

False. EMP a zealot. See if it still kills you.

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Protoss Only

Protoss players welcome. Everyone else? Get your ass in gear. This isn’t @*$#ing Kerrigan’s tea time or Jim Raynor’s group steambath. You’re on Auir now.

I can’t remember the last night I didn’t spend dreaming about taking a metal bar to Jim Raynor’s jaw. You want a piece of that metal bar? If you’re a terran jackass, you might just get it. Kerrigan? Go back to terran, they suit you.

Oh, you’re still here. That can only mean that you also get off on using psi blades to shred countless zerglings? Sup, welcome fellow Protoss brother. This blog is dedicated to Protoss domination.

How am I going to ensure Protoss domination? Easy. Zealots. 1 zealot can kill about 94 marines if properly micro’ed. Don’t believe me? Shut the @#$% up.

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